my entry into writing

insomnia

when at nights all things outside  are generally thought to be quiet, there is the most noise. a long ceaseless honking of trains and moving machinery pierces through my ears. now, there is no factory near my home. for years i thought there is something out, but there is none. the only instrument out is the ticking clock... tick-tock, tick-tock making me aware of each passing moment which i wouldn't have heard otherwise, no because there was no time to look at the time though i run my life always through knowing time. but at 2 at night, you should not look at the clock. nor hear it. so i put one of my pillows on both my ears... intolerable. the voices multiply. mine, yours, i can hear everything now that i did not say, that you did not say. unbearable. i remove my pillow. perhaps, now it is better. the crows are croaking now... but this is better though i angrily wonder what is there to croak about now? at two at night? i can hear my breath and pulse rate now with my head on my arm and held closely to my nose... painful. god, can't i sleep tonight?

well, this is a regular feature. i am wary of sleep when i have to have it with an effort. if you doze off completely tired and hit your head with the bus's glass in sleep, it is fine. a little bump on the head is fine. but trying to sleep is the worst thing you can do. and the, there is always hellish heat or antarctic cold, or the little drops will fall outside. drip-drop, drip-drop. they sometimes fall inside too... from my eyes, from my mouth, from my heart perhaps. something leaks, something sinks. i do not know what it is. i cannot care what it is. i had to sleep.

and then there are dreams. nasty dreams. unbelievable, stupid dreams. i never asked for them. i wanted sleep. i don't want unfathomable, strange, other worldly and monstrous creatures jumping over a narrow creak of red firish- water. i don't want a giant cross falling over me, crushing me. i don't want a blue mild hand holding me when i fall from a high cliff. i don't want enormous weird birds covering the earth. i don't want anything. i just want some sleep.
- by udita garg.